


Mess with the Sheriff and You'll Get the Horns

by Liritar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Alternate Universe - Steampunk, Alternate Universe - Western, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, just work with me here, more pairings/characters will be added when I figure out what I'm doing with them, this is going to swing between serious and silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2018-09-01 18:28:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8633575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liritar/pseuds/Liritar
Summary: Tavros Nitram is the sheriff of Canton, a town set in the wasteland between the United States and the New Alternian Empire. It's a refuge for people who feel they don't belong anywhere. The good, the bad, the strange, and most importantly, trolls escaping from the Empire. Tavros runs the refugee resettlement program, with the help of his far too attractive deputy, Dave Strider.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I blame TheLadySyk0 and VeetVoojagig for giving me ideas.

The sheriff raised his head as someone barrelled into the LawHive. His eyebrows raised in surprise. It was Chief Justice Pyrope, who by rights should have been sheriff herself, but the humans in the community insisted on some separation between those enforcing the law and those punishing the criminals. He had to admit, dividing power did make things… kinder, sometimes. There were less chances of punishing innocents. “Uh, can I help you?” he said, repositioning his hat over his large horns.

“New crop of refugees coming in,” she said with a cackle. Ah. So she’d been sent to fetch him to keep her from getting into mischief. That made sense, then. Tavros got to his feet. He could understand his deputy not wanting a repeat of the Incident. Pyrope had convinced the last group that they’d turned the hemospectrum upside down and that they had to bow to rustbloods and browns. Not that it hadn’t been slightly funny, but they had a very firm belief about equality in Canton, and they needed to start their new citizens off on the right foot. Not that they had a thing against left feet, either, it was just an expression.

He strode out of the LawHive with as much confidence as he could simulate, Pyrope trailing behind him, her red goggles glinting as the sunlight hit them. The blind troll claimed they helped her sense things, but Tavros personally thought she just wore them to look badass. Which she did, obviously.

And there stood his deputy, gently herding a group of anxious looking trolls towards him. He flashed his warmest smile at the new trolls. He firmly believed in making them feel welcome through friendship and being nice. “Hi, uh, Dave,” he said, putting his hand on the lanky human’s shoulder. “Who do we, uh, have here?”

“Hey, boss,” the blond man drawled. “Got us a good group this time.” He pushed his hat back to adjust the dark lenses over his eyes. Most people thought them an affectation like Terezi’s, but Tavros knew through working closely with the human over several years that his eyes were nearly as sensitive to light as a Troll’s. And his couldn’t be trained away by gradual acclimation.

The small group of refugee trolls, on the other hand, were wincing, even in the growing dusk. He nodded his head towards the LawHive, careful of his large horns. He’d accidently smacked Deputy Strider with them more than once, which was embarrassing on so many levels. Even though the human just smiled fondly, it made Tavros feel mortified. Of course, humans didn’t realize how… sexual trolls found their horns. Strider probably didn’t realize that could be taken as a brazen solicitation if he’d done it on purpose. It didn’t help that Dave was… attractive. For a human. Tavros had been a citizen of the joint society of Canton long enough for human values to start rubbing off.

He shook off his thoughts with a blush and guided his newest citizens into the building. They’d be more comfortable inside, where he could pull the curtains and dim the lights. There were five of them, all told. Tavros scanned the designs embroidered on their clothes to get a hint of what colors they were dealing with. Sadly, with new trolls, it was also a way to judge how difficult they would be. There was a rust, two browns, an olive, and… Holy shit, as Dave would say. His eyes went from the violet design on the last man’s shirt to his neck, which was carefully wrapped in a cravat, hiding his supposed fins.

The troll held up his hands. “Hey, noww,” he said, stumbling over the w with a pronounced seadweller accent, “this is supposed to be a safe havven for _all_ trolls, not just lowwbloods.”

That made Tavros pause. He was right. It was just in practice that the highest defector from the Empire they’d had was a tealblood. For the most part, the highbloods were fine with the New Alternian Empire’s policies. “Alright, uh, fine,” he said slowly, frantically wracking his thinkpan to think of who he could have mentor the highblood and keep him out of trouble. Mayor Lalonde was too busy to deal with what would probably turn out to be a hassle. Besides, they didn’t want him thinking he was above everyone else. He suddenly smiled almost nastily as he found the solution. “Strider, I know he doesn’t usually enter the rotation, but do you think your brother, uh, would mentor Mr…” he paused, waiting for the violetblood to give his name.

“Ampora,” the troll said haughtily. “Eridan Ampora.”

Dave raised an eyebrow, smirking. “I’ll talk to Dirk.” Apparently he was feeling the same way about the seadweller, because he looked just as smugly amused at the idea. Ampora was in for a treat, with full human sarcasm.

He nodded at Dave, and the human dashed out to arrange matters. “Ampora, sit over there while I get the others sorted out,” he said, forcing himself to sound authoritative. He’d been practicing, but he usually didn’t bother when it was just the normal townsfolk. They all knew him and respected him without him needing to act.

The seadweller drew himself to his full height, bristling at being ordered around by a brownblood. Before he could speak, Tavros shook his horn and _growled_. “I’m the sheriff of this town, and you’ll _do what I say._ ” He kept his glare fixed on the violet until he dropped onto the bench, grumbling under his breath.

Tavros tried not to show how shaken he was inside as he started taking the names of the other trolls and matching them with the next citizens on the mentorship rotation. One of the browns would stay with Doc Crocker, the other with the grocer, Jade Harley. He skipped over Terezi’s name on the list, as always. He had no idea why she kept signing up. They weren’t going to let her mess with anyone’s head again. The olive could go with the tailor, Ms. Mayram. And the rust would go with… He glanced down at the list. “Alright, uh, Ms. Megido, you’re with Mr. English.” Jake was fairly new to the town himself, and Tavros wasn’t sure exactly what he did all day. But he’d signed up, so it was just fair to let him have a turn. When Dave returned, they’d take the trolls and guide them to where they’d be staying until their mentors pronounced them acclimated to their new lives.

When the deputy burst back into the LawHive, he was panting for breath, like he’d run both ways. But he was grinning, so it looked like Operation Foist The Bastard Off On Dirk was ago. He got to his feet and gestured for the group to follow. He wondered for a moment whether they should get rid of the seadweller first, or make him wait, so he knew where his place in society was. Oh, whatever. It made more sense to go to the closer places first. So the first stop was the general store, which was two buildings down. He pushed open the door, first indicating that most of the group should wait outside with Dave. Then he put a gentle hand on the first brownblood’s shoulder. He was slightly taller than Tavros, with horns that curled to point downwards. “Come on,” he said softly. “Jade’s, uh, nice. She’ll show you around and get you used to things.” Guiding the troll inside, he smiled brightly at Jade. “Ms. Harley, this is Devlin, he’s new to Canton. Uh, don’t worry, Devlin, no one’s going to hurt you. We’ve got, uh, laws here. That’s what I do. Make sure people follow the laws. So, uh, if anyone bothers you, come tell me, uh, okay?”

They could see him glancing at the brown sign Tavros wore, and Jade laughed. “Color doesn’t matter,” she said, grinning, showing her weird human teeth. “Jobs are based on what people like, and how well they do things.” When he still looked confused, she came out from behind the counter and hugged him, to his great distress. Tavros had to keep himself from laughing. Humans were just so _very_ pale to almost everyone they met.

After giving the rest of the speech about peace and harmony and nonviolence, Tavros left Jade and Devlin to get him settled in the spare respiteblock above the store and gathered his smaller flock, guiding them across the street to the tailor’s. “Arlonn,” he said, gesturing the olive male to follow him. This was honestly the one he was most worried about, other than the seadweller. Though not for the same reasons. He had no doubt that the olive would settle into society. He also had every confidence in Kanaya’s mentoring ability. It was just the first impression that was always difficult.

He knocked on the door and walked in, carefully maintaining an air of breezy confidence. “Kanaya, I brought you a new hiveguest.”

The tailor appeared from the back room, tall and elegant, and glowing faintly with an inner luminescence. Her kind smile did little to quell Arlonn’s squeak of fear and his attempt to hide behind Tavros. “Rainbow drinker!”

Kanaya’s smile faltered so briefly that only someone who knew her well, like he did, would have noticed. “That is well spotted, friend,” she said, waving a hand non-threateningly. “But rest assured, I only drink animal blood. You are safe with me.”

Tavros stepped aside so the man was no longer concealed behind him. “Ms. Maryam is one of our most respected citizens,” he said soothingly. “She, uh, has mentored a lot of refugees, and, uh, almost all of them got out alive. Uh, that was a joke, none of them died at all,” he added quickly.

Kanaya shot him a look. “Sheriff, your sense of humor needs a better time to show itself.” She moved towards the olive and offered her hand. “I assure you, I have never in my life harmed another troll. Or a human. You may call me Kanaya.”

“Arlonn,” he said, hesitantly taking her hand. If only because she was a jade and outranked him, in his mind. They’d work on that, Tavros thought. But for now, if it was making him obey Kanaya instead of running in fear, it would be alright. He gave his speech and left them to it.

Depositing Sharna with the doctor was fairly uneventful. The brownblood female was timid, and Jane was her usual brisk, efficient self. She had the woman settled almost before Tavros could finish his speech. Jane shooed him out the instant he was done talking, telling him she was busy and he needed to get his keister (whatever that was) out of her way. He still had trouble with human slang. They had so much of it.

Tavros looked at his remaining two charges, considering what to do next. There was a huge chance that Jake wasn’t even in his hive, and he didn’t want to drag the seadweller around while he tried to find him. So, yeah. It was probably a good idea to get him settled, and then go look for Aradia’s mentor.

So he nodded at them to follow and headed towards the blacksmith’s shop. Even now, when it was almost full dark, the place smelled of smoke and hot metal. The clang of metal on metal could be heard while they were still a good distance away. And the look of distaste on Ampora’s face made him secretly gleeful. He entered the shop, standing respectfully silent until Strider noticed him and put his tools aside. You never wanted to startle someone holding hot iron. “Mr. Strider, this is Eridan, he’s going to be under your command until you deem him fit to join our society.”

“Hey, wwait just a minute, here,” Ampora protested. “I nevver agreed to that!”

Tavros drew himself to his full height, several inches shorter than the violetblood. “You’ll, uh, do as I say, or you can leave this town,” he said, glaring up at him. “I’m the sheriff, which in this town means I am the _law._ ”

“Okay, wwhatever,” he grumbled, glancing anxiously around the forge. It was easy to tell he had no idea what it even was. For all he knew, it was a torture chamber. Actually, he’d probably seen more than a few of those in his life, Tavros thought uncharitably. “I’ll, uh, leave you to it,” he said, backing out of the place. Dirk made him nervous, and he couldn’t help it. The way the man hardly ever spoke, down to his creepy similarity in appearance to Dave, just made it hard to speak to him on any level.

It was mostly how much he looked like Dave, Tavros had to admit. Because Dave was warm and funny and easy to talk to, and then… there was Dirk. Cold and collected and almost nothing like his human brother. It confused Tavros.

He joined Dave and Aradia outside, breathing a sigh of relief. “Alright, let’s go find Mr. English,” he said, smiling at her. The rustblood smiled back, apparently not shy or downtrodden like the rest of his flock had been. She looked excited. That was good. Perhaps she’d take to Jake well, then.

The man wasn’t in his hive, as he’d guessed. He had to ask around several stores before he even found a hint of where the man was. Rolling his eyes, they made their way into the desert, heading towards the old temple.

It was an old, ruined structure. No one knew what gods were once worshiped there, or even by whom. Tavros stopped by the tumble of stone by the entrance, not wanting to risk the dangers of a falling down ancient building. “English!” he yelled as loud as he could.

“Hold your daggum horses,” a voice sounded from the depths of the temple. A few minutes later, Jake appeared, smeared with dust and glasses askew. Before he could speak, Aradia pushed forwards, her eyes gleaming with profound excitement. “Oh my gog, is this a genuine ancient temple? I’ve never seen one up close. Are there skeletons?”

“There’s a smashing pile of skulls in the catacombs, come on, let me show you!” With that, they both vanished, leaving Tavros and Dave staring at each other in bewilderment.

They were silent for a moment, pondering the ramifications of introducing Jake English to a kindred spirit.

Dave shook his head, groaning. “Well, fuck.”

  
By Khie


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of vignettes of what's going on in town.

Dirk crossed muscular arms over his chest, staring at the troll Tavros had left with him. His face was expressionless, leaving the man no hints towards his thoughts. His eyes were hidden behind dark protective goggles.

The troll was wearing fancy clothes topped with a long cape. A streak of his hair was dyed purple. Dirk would have snorted if he wasn’t trying to appear like he was made of stone. He looked _soft._ He wouldn’t last in the forge a day.

And wouldn’t it be fun to break him?

Dirk smiled inwardly. Oh, yes. Tavros and Dave knew what they were doing. No one else here could have handled this arrogant dickprince.

The troll was fidgeting under his silence, obviously used to being treated with more deference. He puffed his chest out, sneering down at him. Dirk was tall, but the troll was much taller. Most adult trolls were at least slightly taller than the human average, and they higher they were on the spectrum, the likelihood that they were tall increased.

He let him stew another full minute, then nodded his head towards the stairs at the back. He strode up into his quarters, leaving the troll to follow as he would. He had every faith he’d do as instructed; if not, he’d find his ass out in the desert. And whether the douchebag was a spy or a genuine refugee, he’d have to be dumber than fuck to get himself thrown out this soon.

He opened the door to the guest room; a largely unused room, as evidenced by the dust dancing in the air at the sudden breeze. He wasn’t even sure why he’d kept a place ready for visitors. Habit, mostly. Dave had used to stay with him, sometimes. When he’d been a kid. Once he’d grown up, though, his younger brother had become mostly self-sufficient. And when he needed help, he went to someone else, not his fuckup of an older brother.

And, of course, it wasn’t like Dirk made friends easily.

“You’ll sleep in here,” he said shortly. “Breakfast is at six, we start working at seven. If you miss breakfast, you work on an empty stomach. Lunch is at noon.”

“Sleep wwhere?” Ampora said, eying the room in palpable distaste.

He raised an eyebrow and indicated the bed. “We don’t have access to your slime pods,” he informed him. “The doc’s worked out some pills to mimic the effects of your slime, I’ll stop and pick some up for you once I close up the shop.”

“That’s a concupiscent platform!” The troll’s lip curled in distaste.

“It has many uses, one of which is sleep.” Dirk almost wished he _had_ done this on purpose solely to fuck with Ampora. It would have been perfect. But now he was stuck convincing the douchelord that he hadn’t. “My room is set up exactly the same way, if you’d like to see.”

“No, I don’t wwant to see!” he spat out haughtily. “I havve no interest in seeing wwhat human pervversions you enjoy. Go awway.” He stomped into his new room and slammed the door in Dirk’s face.

“Wow. Rude.” Dirk grinned at the door for a moment, then turned and walked away.

 

They wound up having dinner deep underground surrounded by skulls. It was the best thing Aradia had ever done. Jake had brought extra food with him, ‘just in case,’ so there’d been enough for both of them. And while the food had been strange, it had tasted fine. They’d talked about the skulls and the temple itself for more than an hour before they’d even introduced themselves. “So, I’m Aradia,” she said around a mouthful of whatever it was. “The… sheriff? Is that the word? Said I’m supposed to stay with you.”

Jake’s eyes lit up. “That’s smashing. Just absolutely tip-top news. So you can come along on all my expeditions!” He beamed at her.

Aradia’s bloodpusher pounded with excitement. She could do this all the time? She’d known that running from the empire had been the right idea. This was her idea of a life. And Jake seemed like a very nice human. Open and trusting and childishly enthusiastic. She’d never believed in pale-at-first-sight, but… there was something about him that made her feel so _protective_. She grinned at him. “I’d love to!”

“Fan-freaking-tastic.” He slung an arm around her and hugged her to his side. Her breath stopped for a moment. Did he feel the same way? Or was this some strange human reaction to things? Oh, she wished she knew more about the other species. The empire didn’t spread much information about their neighbors, aside from what was clearly propaganda. She hugged him back awkwardly, not wanting to cause offense. Maybe she could ask the sheriff. He seemed to understand humans with relative ease. And she’d hate to misstep with the human being kind enough to take her in.

 

“Whatcha doin’, Solly baby? Writing your girlfriend another letter?”

Before Sollux could speak, either to answer Roxy’s question, or to tell her off yet again for calling him ‘Solly,’ the man sitting next to him snorted. “She’s not his girlfriend, Lalonde. I know he’s your moirail, but you shouldn’t let him fucking delude himself like that.”

Two pairs of eyes glared at him, one glowing blue and red, the other pink. “She _will_ be his girlfriend,” the barmaid said firmly. “That British tart’ll be all over my Solly once she finds out how smart he is.” She tapped the scientific journal the two had been pouring over earlier.

“Yeah, fuck you, Vantath,” Sollux lisped. “Maybe I jutht need to come on thtronger. What if I athk her to marry me thith time? Humanth like that, right? Oh, and fuck you, Roxth. Ada Lovelathe ithn’t a tart, the’th a geniuth.”

Roxy grinned. “Not mutually exclusive, baby. Look at me!”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Yeah, we all know you’re the village two wheel device, Lalonde. Sollux, fuck, you can’t ask a girl you’ve never actually met to marry you, are you fucking retarded? Wait, what am I saying, of course you are. You’re emotionally stunted and have no idea how relationships work. Read just one of my books, you’ll learn so much.”

“I’m not reading your thappy bookth for girlth.” Sollux stuck his tongue out at the shorter troll.

“I don’t write books for girls! I write intriguing social commentaries about the relationships between two or more trolls or humans.”

“You write trashy romance novels.”

He looked at Roxy, betrayed. “How can you say that?”

“Hey, I bought every fuckin’ one,” Roxy pointed out. “But they’re romance novels. Not sociowhatsit.”

“Fuck you, Lalonde.” Karkat flipped her off and got to his feet. “I’ve got better shit to do than watch Captor be a fucking dumbass.”

“No, you don’t. I’m the betht entertainment thith plathe hath,” Sollux laughed, grinning at him.

“Fuck that. I have a new book to write.” He flipped Sollux off for good measure and strode out of the saloon.

Sollux turned back to Roxy. “Tho. Think I can theduthe her away to be my matethprit and help me with my analytical engine? I’m way better than that hack Babbage the workth with.”

Roxy ruffled his hair. “She’d be dumb to say no, baby. And we both know she’s not dumb.”

“That’th what I thought,” Sollux said, starting to write his letter.

 

“Hey, boss.” Dave perched on a corner of Tavros desk, kicking one foot slowly as he waited for the troll to look up.

“Uh, hi, Dave,” Tavros said in that halting way of his. 

Dave flashed him the patented Strider grin. “So, Dirk’s gonna give us a progress report tonight, after he puts the fish troll through his paces in the forge all day.” They shared a satisfied look, imagining the aristocratic douche actually working for a change.

“Good,” the sheriff said, nodding his head, careful of his horns. He sighed softly, resting his chin on one hand. Dave frowned just the tiniest bit in concern; his sheriff was normally almost neurotically cheerful in the face of all adversity. This highblood shit was really worrying him, huh?

“I’m sure Dirk’s got him under control,” he said, awkwardly trying to reassure the troll. “I mean, if my bro can’t handle him, no one can, right? Dirk’s a fucking force of nature. Like a hurricane had sex with a tornado and they had a little weather baby. Made of lightning.”

Tavros was just staring at him, but he was pretty sure his metaphor was tight. Tighter than a jar you couldn’t open.

Dave shook his head. “Anyway. What we gonna do until Bro shows up? Haven’t heard any cries for help out there. We could maybe find a cat to rescue from a tree. If there were any trees in this godforsaken desert. Whose idea was it to live a fucking desert anyway?”

The troll smiled slightly. “That, uh, would be the founders. Because, uh, this is easier for trolls to, uh, get to.”

“Well, yeah, obviously, but… shut up.” Dave grinned at him. Maybe he tried too hard to amuse the sheriff, but fuck, the guy took too many things way too seriously.

It wasn’t too hard for the two of them to fall into talking bullshit. It was pretty much all Dave did, anyway, and Tavros loved riffing off him.

Dave had no idea how long his brother had been standing silently in the doorway, observing them with a stoic expression, before he noticed him. Once he caught Dirk’s goggled gaze, though, the man smiled sardonically. “Am I interrupting? I can come back.”

“Shut up, man. Come on in.” He dropped off the edge of the desk into his chair, off to the side of Tavros’s office area. He had his own desk, but he’d pushed it against the wall and mostly just used the chair.

Dirk strode in and stood before the sheriff’s desk, arms crossed over his chest.

Tavros looked up at him, and if the human intimidated him, he didn’t show it. Dave was honestly impressed. He only hid that shit through long years of training himself. “So, uh, how’s Ampora?” Tavros asked, getting right to business.

Dirk smirked slowly. “He held up better than I thought he would.”

 

Eridan collapsed on the human platform, groaning. He was fairly sure it was safe, after spending a night unmolested in the human’s hive. He was going to die. There was no question of it. The insane human had set him fetching and carrying all day. He ached in muscles he didn’t know he had.

He wondered, briefly, if it wouldn’t be better to return to the Empire and face the Empress’s wrath.

No. He’d rather fucking kill himself than let her torture him. And she would. Or, rather, she’d probably let the clowns torture him. He wasn’t worth her personal time.

Eridan sighed, staring up at the ceiling. He hadn’t _meant_ to kill a higher-ranked violetblood. It had just happened. Besides, the guy was a real asshole. He’d been begging someone to cull him, more or less.

But anyway, anyone lower on the hemospectrum would have been brushed off as his right to kill, but since he was the lower, he was forced into this state of disgrace. He couldn’t fathom why any troll would _choose_ to live like this.

He rolled over, biting back a whimper of pain as he strained his muscles again. Maybe… maybe this was a test. If he could just push through it, he’d be released from the human douchebag’s control and allowed his freedom.

And then… this ‘Dirk’ human would pay.

 

“But yeah, he should be too exhausted to cause problems,” Dirk continued, giving the sheriff a nod.

“Uh, thanks, Dirk,” Tavros said, standing and offering his hand in the human way. “I, uh, really appreciate it. If you’d, uh, keep keeping an eye on him, that’d be, uh, great.”

The human smirked slightly before taking his hand. “Hey, anything for our great town,” he said dryly. “Besides, Dave doesn’t ask for favors for himself, so I’m stuck doing stuff for you to make him happy.”

The sheriff didn’t know what to make of that. Or the fact that his deputy was suddenly several shades redder. “Dirk, get the fuck out,” Dave said, throwing his hat at the older man.

Dirk laughed and vanished quickly, leaving the two lawkeepers alone.

Dave looked upset enough, so Tavros didn’t question him about what his brother had said. Human family confused him, anyway. He wasn’t going to pry into it. He just shook his head slightly. “Huh. He’s, uh, weird, right? Humans think that?”

The deputy laughed. “Yeah. Humans think that.” He clapped Tavros on the shoulder and left the LawHive, whistling softly.

The troll watched him wistfully until he was out of sight down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My ideas for Ada Lovelace in this story are colored more by The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage (http://sydneypadua.com/2dgoggles) than by any actual historic fact. Well, maybe Sollux will get lucky and letter 57 will get a reply. You never know.


	3. Chapter 3

_The night sky was full of stars, but the man in the building wasn’t looking out his windows. No, he was focused, as he’d been for weeks, on his work. There were only a few finishing touches to complete, and then his devices could be installed._

_And then, oh, and then. Everyone would see that he was a force to be reckoned with. A Power in his own right. The Empire that had banished him, and these weak, pathetic humans. They would all pay for his humiliation._

 

Karkat scowled as he stomped down the street. He had nowhere to go. He wasn’t about to go to the saloon and listen to Sollux be a massive tool again. That was all Sollux did these days. That and work on his dumbass analytical engine. Whatever. And he couldn’t go to his matesprit’s, because she was on new troll duty and they’d learned long ago that he shouldn’t be introduced to the new trolls until they’d acclimated a bit. His bright red eyes freaked them out. It was the main reason he wasn’t considered for the rotation. Well, that and his winning personality.

He could see why Jade was selected, though. She was actually _nice_ and genuinely liked people. Karkat was fairly sure that made her certifiably insane. If liking _him_ wasn’t enough. No one in their right mind would flush for him. He was a total asshole. Despite being an expert in romance.

Well, whatever. He wasn’t going to complain that he had the best matesprit in the world.

He _was_ going to complain that he was fucking bored. He was waiting for his latest book to get back from his editor, and wasn’t quite ready to start the next one. And his best friend was a dumbass, and his matesprit was busy, so what was he supposed to do? Go talk to fucking _Tavros? Strider?_ No, or the other Strider. That was laughable. There was unquestionably a surplus of Striders in this town. Karkat wondered absently if they could trade one of them with another town. Though the hard decision would be which one. They were both infuriating. Though the older one was maybe more useful? After all, if they kicked him out, they wouldn’t have a blacksmith. What did Dave even do? Like, what the fuck was a deputy sheriff anyway? A sheriff with training wheels on? They could probably do without him.

This was fucking stupid. Why would anyone voluntarily take one of their Striders off their hands anyway? They were stuck with the assholes.

He kicked a stone as he slouched down the street. Maybe he _was_ bored enough to get back on the Captor/Lalonde bullshit express? No. Never. The saloon was strictly off limits. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He followed his stone, kicking it all the way down the main road. It was better than nothing.

“What’s wrong, Karkles? You smell like moping.”

He froze and looked up, blushing hotly. Of course he’d have to run into that shithive broad. “Terezi,” he muttered. “Go away.”

The Chief Justice cackled. “Now you smell like candy,” she said, patting his hot cheek. He pulled away, scowling. She’d lost the right to touch him like that years ago.

“Look, do you have something to say, or are you just going to spout your crazy bullshit?” He glowered.

She laughed again. “Seriously, Karkles, you just look so glum. What’s wrong?”

“Fuck off,” he muttered. He knew if he started complaining, he’d sound like a whiny bitch.

She put an arm around his shoulders and forcibly dragged him to the courtblock steps, sitting and tugging him down with her. “I’m not hitting on you,” she said after a minute. “You just smell like you need to talk.”

They sat in silence, the lowest and highest blooded trolls of the settlement, both banned from contact with new settlers for wildly different reasons.

He finally sighed. He did need to talk, and the person he’d usually go to was unavailable, or as good as. Out of his reach, at the very least. “Jade’s got one of the refugees with her,” he said shortly.

Terezi laughed. “And they still won’t let you corrupt our new citizens, then?”

“You’re the one who corrupts them,” he spat out. “I just scare them. When they don’t want to fucking kill me for breathing.”

She giggled maniacally. “True. That’s a thing I do.” She patted his hand perfunctorily. Enough to comfort, but not to cross boundaries. It was surprisingly considerate of her. “Don’t worry, Karkles. We won’t let them kill you. You’re ours. And killing’s against the law.” She grinned, showing far too many teeth. “And when they break the law, they’re mine.”

“That’ll help me so fucking much after I’m murdered,” he grumbled--but quietly. As quietly as he could manage, at least. Talking to Terezi was, surprisingly enough, helping his mood. At least he wasn’t lonely anymore. He had a whole slew of other annoyances to deal with, but he wasn’t bored.

He lay back on the steps, ignoring the way they poked into his back. “Why did you break up with me?” he asked suddenly. It had been years, but the question still nagged at him. Not that it hadn’t been for the best. He was happy with Jade. It felt right with her, like it never had with Terezi. Which… kind of answered his question for him, didn’t it?

She laughed softly. “You’re still worried about that, Karkles?” She turned her head as if looking at him, even though they both knew that she couldn’t see him. She reached out to poke his shoulder. “I ended our matespritship because you cared too much. I could never make you happy, Karkles. We both know that. So I let you go find someone who would.”

“Oh.” He’d thought he’d done something wrong. He’d worried over that for the last four years, trying to work out what it was. How a master of romance such as himself could have failed a simple matespritship. It damaged his credibility as a writer, if nothing else.

Terezi reached out and ruffled his hair. “You’re happy now, right? So I was right.” She let out her trademarked cackle.

He batted her hand away, scowling. “Yeah, I am.” He got to his feet. This was definitely not something he wanted to talk to Terezi about. She might not care that they were ex-matesprits, but he did. And he wasn’t going to rub it in her face that he was happy. “I have to go feed my lusus,” he said, finally thinking of an excuse to leave.

“Uh huh.” Her eyebrows wiggled above her goggles. “Just say you want me to shut up, Karkles. No need to lie. You know I can smell lies, remember?”

He rolled his eyes. “I still don’t even know how that’s actually possible. But he’s probably tearing shit up looking for food already. Later.” He dropped down off the steps and made his way back to his hive. It might have been a convenient excuse, but that didn’t make it any less true. His lusus wasn’t very bright, and needed him to feed him twice a day. And he owed him so much. He’d gotten him out of the Empire when he was just a grub. He was the only troll who’d actually been raised in Canton. So, while he might sometimes get aggravated at his lusus, he’d never really get mad at him. So he steeled himself, ready to see what mess the crab-monster had made of his hive while he’d been out, prepared to clean up the chaos without complaint.

 

Okay, this was seriously the last straw. He stared at the brownblood before him, then turned his glare to Strider. “You can’t seriously expect me to servve this _peasant_ ,” he said coldly.

Strider’s face was impassive as those tinted goggles met his eyes. “I expect you to do what I say,” he said, his voice devoid of inflection. “Greet the client politely and find out what she needs.”

Eridan’s teeth ground together audibly as he turned, then forced his expression into a smile. The brownblood shrank back, instinctively terrified. “I… I’ll come back later,” she said, backing towards the door.

Faster than Eridan’s eyes could track the human, he moved from beside him to stand by the woman. “Lesson over,” he said shortly. “What can I do for you, Marnna?” He guided her to the other side of the shop, away from Eridan’s location by the door. He glowered after the pair the entire time.

He was finding it harder and harder to go along with what Strider told him to do. Half the time he was convinced the man was just giving him tasks to humiliate him.

His eyes narrowed as he watched the human. That expressionless face. The smugness that radiated off of him. The way he could never see his eyes. He wanted to hurt him. He wanted to pound that smug face until he admitted how awful he was. He wanted…

His eyes widened and he immediately tugged his gaze away. No. Oh, fuck, no. The man was a human. That was just _sick._ It was platonic hate. Of course it was. There was no way that a troll of his bloodline would go pitch for a filthblooded alien.

No one must ever know he’d even entertained the idea for a second. His reputation would be in tatters. Not that he cared what the peasants in this hovel of a village thought. But what if it got back to the Empire? He’d never live it down.

He shot another glance at Strider, still busy with the peasant. He needed distance. Time to get his head clear. And… he wanted to piss off the human. He couldn’t deny that. So he took advantage of Strider’s distraction and slipped out of the forge, heading up to the block that he’d been assigned.

The block itself was also an insult. Shabby, small, and ill befitting one of his royal blood. Though he’d caught a glimpse of Strider’s, and his wasn’t much better. Him being forced to stay with the laboring human in itself was an insult, perhaps. But then, that fudgeblooded sheriff knew that. He flung himself down on the ‘bed’. He hated this. He hated everything about this place. He wanted to go back to his hive, under the sea, far away from this horrible desert filled with peasants who hated him. He wanted people to fear him and defer to him and not expect him to do physical labor.

He wanted his life back.

He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them, resolutely ignoring the violet liquid dripping steadily onto his leggings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanart by Khie added to Chapter One. Go check it out. :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk and Dave talk, Jake and Aradia get themselves into trouble, and Dirk and Eridan have a confrontation.

The door to the LawHive slammed shut behind Dirk as he stormed up to his brother’s desk. “Look, bro, if you don’t relocate that fish fucker, I’m going to wind up killing him.” He planted his hands on the desk, looming over the younger man.

“Dirk?” Dave stared at him through his tinted lenses, stunned. He’d never seen his older brother this _angry._ Dirk was a picture of cool control at all times. Man, he was almost impressed with the troll’s skill. “Uh, shit. Can’t you just rough him up a bit? I mean, I’ve got no where else to send him. You were kinda our secret weapon, bro. You’re letting me down, here.”

Dirk growled softly. Dave shrank back before he could stop himself. The older man was intimidating. It was the first time in his life he actually feared the guy might hurt _him._

His brother’s lips tightened almost imperceptibly; anyone who didn’t know him well would have thought his expression hadn’t changed in the slightest. But Dave plainly saw hurt at his reaction. He felt a flash of guilt beneath a layer of irritation. Dirk didn’t get to storm in here, yell at him, then make _him_ feel guilty about it. “Look, bro, you need to just chill out. I mean, you’re not gonna let this guy beat you, right? What the fuck did he even do to get to you like this?”

Dirk deflated slightly, moving to sit on the desk, instead of leaning over him. “Fuck, kid. He’s a disrespectful, petulant little bitch. He questions my orders, when he doesn’t fucking outright ignore them. He fucking left the shop while I was dealing with a customer.”

“So, uh, punish him? I mean, you’ve got full rein on this one.” Dave shrugged slightly, looking up at his older brother.

Dirk’s agitation melted away, leaving a single raised eyebrow. “Full rein? Absolutely? You’ll keep Nitram off my back if I have to break a law to get Ampora to heel?”

Dave hesitated before nodding. He didn’t want Tavros to think badly of him, but… shit, something had to be done about the seadweller, and if Dirk couldn’t handle him, they’d have to do something drastic. They hadn’t failed in rehabilitating a troll yet. The town’s reputation was on the line, on top of everything else. And he didn’t trust this Ampora as far as he could spit. If they exiled him, they’d have to look over their shoulders for his bullshit for years. “Just… get him in line, bro. However you have to.”

“You got it.” Dirk gripped his shoulder for a moment, then vanished from the LawHive as if he’d never been there. Dave stared at the swinging door, wondering if he’d made a mistake or not. Oh, fuck it.

What choice did they really have?

 

Jake English, man of mystery and adventure, stood, poised and ready, at the edge of the chasm. He double checked that the lantern was firmly attached to his belt, and that the ropes circling his torso were well knotted. “Miss Megido, are you prepared?”

His delightful new companion nodded, her curls flying with her vigorous acquiescence. “Ready to lower you down on your word, Jake!” she said with a wide grin.

“Well, tally-ho and all that. Let’s get this bru-ha-ha started.” He grinned back at her and stepped over the edge, dropping down several feet until she brought the rope taut, stopping his downwards rush. And boy howdy, had it been a rush! He laughed delightedly as she began lowering him down slowly while he fended off the chasm walls.

It took a long while, the darkness growing deeper, almost tangible outside the dim circle of his lantern, as he descended. The ground was further down than they’d even estimated. He bally hoped they’d brought enough rope. They’d come too far to give up now.

Ah ha! His feet hit solid rock and he tugged on the rope three times, their pre-determined signal. He set the light on the ground and he started looking around in great interest as he waited for Aradia to make her way down the rope on her own power. They’d discussed it at great length, and she’d been confident in her ability to scale down a rope. He hadn’t argued; if a lady thought she was capable, he’d learned she usually was. And quite testy if you questioned her.

It took her considerably less time to scurry down to his level than it had for them to get his heavier torso down there. So in almost no time at all he was scooping up his lamp and starting to hike along the bed of the chasm, choosing north for no particular reason. Aradia bounced along beside him, transparent as heck in her excitement.

He grinned at her, glad to finally have a companion in adventure. And not just because he’d always deemed this expedition too ruddy dangerous to dream of tackling on his lonesome. It was just awfully nice to have someone to share all this with, from the joy of discovery to the disappointment of an empty site. But most importantly, the hopeful speculation.

“What do you think we might encounter down here, my dear girl?” Jake said, eyes alight with expectation.

“Evidence of a lost civilization? Oh, I hope we find a burial ground!” The young troll nearly squealed with enthusiasm.

Jake had never in his life met someone as eager as himself to find skeletons buried in the dirt. He’d always wondered if he was the strange one, though he’d never really considered himself that peculiar. There was a sense of vindication, though, knowing that there was another person who was like him. He might not be a common sort, but at least he wasn’t an unheard of type of fellow. Or lady, in Aradia’s case. “I’m sure there’ll be something!” he exclaimed happily.

Even if all they found was darkness and rocks, it would still be a rolicking good adventure.

 

Tavros stopped with on foot on the steps of the LawHive. He could feel the earth trembling beneath his feet, and then the sound hit him like a battering ram. It sounded like thunder, though the sky was clear. He turned to the east. That was… Granite Gorge. “Aw, hell,” he muttered under his breath, already running towards the edge of town. He gathered up the few people who were stepping out of homes and shops, organizing them into an impromptu rescue party. Just in case anyone had been in the gorge when that doozy of a rockslide happened. If nothing else, it wouldn’t hurt to check out the extent of the damage.

The doc caught up to him as he hit the scrubland, pushing aside the man walking beside him. “I saw English and his troll walking out this way this morning,” she said grimly. “Knowing him, they caused this mess and’ll need treatment.” She hefted her bag higher on her shoulder as Tavros cursed under his breath. It wouldn’t be the first time they rescued Jake from an accident of his own causing, and he doubted it would be the last.

Tavros, Jane, and the small posse of townsfolk approached the gorge carefully. There was no telling if the ground was stable in those parts after the upheaval. The first thing Tavros noticed was a rope tied around a rock at the edge of the gorge. Jane had been right, by the looks of it. Someone was down there, most likely English and Megido. “Alright, folks, uh, spread out. There’s no telling if they went north or south. If you see them, uh, shout for the doc, and she’ll, uh, come check them out.”

With that, they split into two groups, leaving Jane there in the middle, ready to run whichever way needed her first.

“Jake?” Tavros called, again and again, throat growing sore as they walked along the edge of the gorge. It felt like an eternity, but probably was only about twenty minutes later when one of the townsfolk called out that she heard something. The sheriff rushed to her location, peering down into the darkness. There wasn’t much to see. But the lip of the gorge had broken and tumbled down below. Oh, hell. English must be under there. “Get everyone over here,” he said grimly. It was going to be a long night.

 

Aradia sat in the darkness, Jake’s head cradled in her lap. The falling rocks had startled them both, and one had slammed into the human’s head. She’d tugged him out of the worst of the rubble, but they’d lost the light, and the rocks were between them and the rope they’d used to get down. And Jake was unconscious. Her nocturnal eyes could see well enough to tell that the skin on the back of his head was torn open. She’d ripped off part of her skirt to hold against it, staunching the bleeding. She curled protectively over him, trilling soothingly. She’d never felt so pale in her life. She had to admit it to herself. And when they got out of this, she’d tell him. She stroked his hair gently around his wound.

It felt like hours later when she thought she heard someone calling, but her internal clock told her it had barely been one. “We’re down here!” she shouted, hoping someone could hear. “Please, Jake’s hurt,” she continued, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. She was so worried about the human. He hadn’t stirred since he’d been struck, though she could feel the thrum of his pulse beneath her fingers, to her infinite relief.

She could hear someone shouting orders up on the surface, and before long there was a huff of sound, a rope slithering out of the darkness to pool on the ground nearby. Aradia considered scurrying up it, but she couldn’t leave Jake alone down here.

Soon, though, she could hear the sound of someone climbing down--and cursing as they did. After a decent interval, the woman who’d been introduced to them as Doc Crocker dropped off the rope and approached, snorting in exasperation. “I told that fool his escapades would be the death of him,” she grumbled, setting her lantern beside the man and dropping her bag. She examined the wound thoroughly, making soft tsking sounds between her prominent teeth.

“You did a good job, stopping the bleeding.” The mediculler woman sat back on her heels, nodding decisively. “We’ll just get a proper bandage on this, then haul his hulking keister out of here.” She got to work as she spoke, gesturing for Aradia to lift Jake’s head so she could wrap some gauze around it.

“He’s going to be okay?” Aradia whispered anxiously.

The Crocker woman snorted. “Despite his best efforts, yes. The fool will be fine.”

Aradia growled a bit at that. There was only so much insulting of her potential moirail that she could let slide.

A raised eyebrow was her response, followed by a sardonic smile. “Oh, good lord, another one falls victim to the English charm.”

The troll bristled. How dare this human try to judge her feelings? “He needs protection,” she spat out with a glare. “That’s more than obvious. So keep your cartilage nub out of it!”

The mediculler raised her hands in a gesture of peace. “That’s right enough,” she said with a small laugh. “Keep an eye on him for us, then. Maybe this won’t happen again.”

Aradia sighed. She _had_ failed to protect her Jake this time. Maybe he wouldn’t want to be her palemate since she’d screwed up so badly? She bit her lip anxiously.

The human got to her feet. “Well. Let’s get him out of here.” She tugged the rope over and helped Aradia secure it around Jake’s chest. Then she gave the rope three tugs. Someone at the top started pulling the rope up in response to what was obviously a predetermined signal.

And so, Aradia stood and watched Jake ascend, a strange juxtaposition to how she’d let him down earlier that day. Her bloodpusher ached with worry, but she had to trust that these humans, his own people, would take care of him.

 

Eridan started as the door to his block slammed open, revealing the Strider human. He sneered in disdain. Of course. Who else would be so rude? Though, of course, something deep inside of him tensed in excitement. Was he finally getting a reaction to his pitch needling? Despite his efforts to quash his feelings, he couldn’t help just reacting to the man’s very presence, tossing minor acts of rebellion at him like a challenge. Until now the human had brushed them all off with that mask of stoic disinterest.

The one that only enraged Eridan further.

And then Strider was at his side, face still expressionless, but holding a sword to Eridan’s neck. The seadweller snarled. How dare he touch him? How _dare_ this peasant draw a weapon on _him?_ A troll of royal blood?

He pushed the blade away without thinking and grabbed the human’s shirt, claws easily ripping into fabric as he pulled the shorter alien against him, crushing their lips together in a clash of flesh and fangs. He could taste the strange tang of alien blood, fueling his pitch desire into a conflagration. He twisted, slamming Strider onto the human bed without breaking the kiss. Strider made a soft noise, hips jerking up against him, poking him with something firm and rigid.

Suddenly Eridan was flipped onto his back, leaving him gasping breathlessly and staring up into that infuriatingly blank face. There was a moment of perfect stillness, and then Strider was gone, vanished as if he’d never been there.

The troll shrieked with frustration, grabbing the nearest object and hurling it at the door. The glass hit the wood and shattered with a satisfying crash. But it did nothing to alleviate his most pressing need, nor the ache in his aquatic bladder based vascular system. He could feel tears prickling his eyelids. What more could he do to make the human hate him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry this chapter took so long. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two conversations about relationships.

The first thing Jake became aware of was that he had a frigging devil of a headache. The next one was that someone was patting his face soothingly, making a soft crooning sound. It, strangely enough, made him feel better. He cracked his eyes open to see Miss Megido, his plucky young assistant. He managed a weak smile. “Well, my dear gel, we seem to have made it through.”

She made a soft sound, almost like a bird chirping. Maybe closer to a cricket. And then her arms were around him, crushing him against her ample chest. His cheek flushed hotly where it pressed against her bosom. Great Caesar's Ghost, how was a proper gentleman to respond?

Before he could think of a proper recourse, she backed off to look into his eyes. “I was so worried!” Red tinted tears welled in her eyes. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

He let out a ringing laugh. “Never, my girl. This noggin’s too tough to crack like that.” He knocked on his head gently, wincing as that rattled his brains a bit.

Aradia caught his hand, pulling it away from his aching skull. “Don’t do that, you idiot,” she said fondly. Her hands curled around his, holding it tenderly.

Blood rushed to his cheeks. “Oh.” He glanced down at their clasped hands, nibbling on his lip.

“Jake, I… I have to talk to you,” Aradia said softly. He felt stomach-turningly anxious. He wasn’t good at dealing with ladies (or the occasional gent) who suddenly got the urge to get amorous with him. Before he could speak, though, she continued. “I’m… I’m pale for you,” she forced out, blushing that interesting dark red color. “Will you be my moirail?”

He pulled back slightly, mind racing. He was trying to remember all that bloody confusing troll stuff they’d tried to teach him when he’d moved to the town. Pale… that was the platonic one, right? Huh. That was actually a new one. He’d never been solicited for _that_ before. They always wanted to get him between the sheets.

Jake smiled shyly. “I… I might like that,” he admitted sheepishly. It felt _good _, someone wanting him for who he was, and not his rugged jawline and manly shoulders.__

__Aradia squealed and crushed him to her chest again. It was far less embarrassing this time around, now that he knew it was more of a sisterly embrace than anything else. He hugged her back, relaxing into her arms. It just confirmed what he’d known all along; he and Aradia made the jolly best friends._ _

__

__“Vantas.”_ _

__Karkat nearly jumped out of his skin as the human appeared in front of him. Out of nowhere, it seemed. He waited a moment for his bloodpusher to stop pounding, then punched the man in the shoulder. It would have been more satisfying if he thought Dirk felt it at all. As it was, he didn’t flinch, or even look smugly at him. “What do you want, Strider?” he grumbled. “I’m busy.”_ _

__The insufferable prick raised a skeptical eyebrow. “You’re sitting on your steps, throwing rocks at the street.”_ _

__“Yeah, and it’s fucking important, so what the fuck do you want?”_ _

__Dirk crossed his arms and looked at him in silence for a moment before speaking. “If you ever mention this to anyone, I’ll kill you.”_ _

__“Please, like I don’t have more interesting things to talk about than _you_ ,” Karkat sneered. “I’m a busy guy.”_ _

__“Shut up.” Dirk dropped onto the steps next to him, gazing out into the street. “So, hypothetically, say that there’s this troll, right? He’s a total bag of dicks.”_ _

__Karkat groaned. “Are you seriously asking me for romance advice? _You?_ ”_ _

__The human didn’t move. “So you do think he’s flirting with me.”_ _

__“I think you think he is. That’s why you came here.” His lips twitched. “Okay, go on. Tell me what he’s done.”_ _

__“Hypothetically.”_ _

__“Fuck that. You wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t really happened.” Karkat felt smug at that bit of reasoning. But he was right. Strider wouldn’t go to anyone for help unless something was already a problem he had no hope of fixing himself._ _

__“Whatever.” Dirk was silent for a long moment. “So, Nitram and my brother saddled me with one of our new refugees. A highblood.”_ _

__Karkat raised an eyebrow. “And he’s an arrogant asshole? Color me surprised,” he said, enough sarcasm dripping from his voice to flood a decent sized basement._ _

__“Yeah.” The human snorted softly. “But I couldn’t break him. Everything I did, he just fucking pushed back.”_ _

__“Strider, you fucking moron,” Karkat interrupted, “you’ve been flirting with _him_.” Humans were so dumb when it came to pitch romance. Like braindead wigglers, really._ _

__“Oh. Shit. So that’s why he kissed me?”_ _

__“What?” the troll yelped. “Jegus, Strider, if he kissed you, then why the fuck are you asking me? Intentions pretty damn clear right there.”_ _

__“Shut up. What should I _do_?” His stoic expression was belied by the confusion in his voice._ _

__Karkat felt himself softening slightly. Dirk wasn’t used to questioning things, and the fact that he came to _him_ was almost flattering. If he didn’t have his weird quadrant hopping relationship with Jade, he might have almost felt pale for the human. But Dirk had enough trolls soliciting him right now. “Well, that depends. How did the kiss make you feel?”_ _

__The man tensed, head slowly turning as he, presumably, looked at him through his shaded goggles. “Why?”_ _

__The troll rolled his eyes. “Because if you didn’t like it, you shouldn’t date the fucker. Are all humans this dumb? How do you even get dressed in the morning without help?”_ _

__“Fuck off.” Dirk was silent for a long moment, hopefully thinking about the situation. “I liked it,” he finally admitted. “I liked it too damn much. But… I don’t want to give that fish fucker what he wants.”_ _

__Karkat couldn't keep his laughter in. “Oh, fuck, Strider,” he guffawed, “you’ve got it _bad._ You’re pitch as tar for that ‘fish fucker’.”_ _

__The man groaned, dropping his head into his hands. “Then what do I do?”_ _

__He reached out to squeeze Dirk’s shoulder tightly. “Don’t let him win,” he said firmly. “Don’t give him what he wants. Make him _take_ what you want to give him.”_ _

__The human smiled slowly. “That I can do,” he drawled, looking almost frighteningly sadistic. Karkat didn’t know whether to feel sorry for the seadweller or jealous of him. Dirk would be a hell of a kismesis. He shook his head slightly. _This_ was why he couldn’t have nice things. Wasn’t he just feeling pale for this fucker? He was so lucky Jade understood him._ _

__Dirk rose to his feet. “Thanks, Vantas,” he said, that infuriating Strider smirk spreading across his features. “You’ve been a big help.”_ _

__“Yeah, sure,” he said weakly. “Any time. Just keep me posted on how it goes. Not the details,” he added hurriedly, while inwardly cursing himself for _wanting_ to hear all the gritty particulars of Dirk’s blackrom sexlife. Fuck, he was pathetic. He hoped to fucking gog that Jade would release her refugee to live in normal society soon. He was getting some serious, what was the human phrase? Blue balls? He had no idea how that worked, but he got the gist of it, at least. He needed his matesprit/moirail. Maybe he could talk her into a pitch fling to get this shit out of his system._ _

__Dirk was laughing at him. “No promises, Vantas,” he chuckled as he walked away, suddenly vanishing as if he’d never been there._ _

__Karkat stared at the place he’d been, feeling his cheeks heating with a rush of scarlet. Damn Strider anyway. He had no idea what his attitude did to trolls._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is shorter than normal, but I felt that this was all that needed to be said at this moment, lol.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The town gets attacked.

“Sheriff!” The human ran into the LawHive, panting like he’d run the whole way. He waved towards the north side of town. “Stampede,” he gasped out.

That was all Tavros needed. He pushed past the man and dashed out to the street. “Get me all the psionics,” he yelled to the nearest onlooker. “Have them set up, uh, a barrier around the town.” That was his failsafe, in case there were too many for him to commune with. Or they were too panicked to calm quickly.

“What you got for me, boss?”

He turned his head to see Dave standing next to him, ready for action. “Get the people, uh, out of the street,” he said, clasping the tall human on the shoulder. “I’m, uh, going out there.”

“Be careful,” Dave said grimly. “Last thing I want is a battlefield promotion, you got it?”

He flashed his deputy a grin that was a lot more confident than he really felt. “Don’t worry, Strider. You can’t, uh, get rid of me this, uh, easy.” With that, he jogged to the end of the main street, as people flowed the opposite direction, towards safety. Hopefully.

As he approached, he saw the psionic barrier form outside the town. He nodded with satisfaction and slipped through the gap they’d left for him, which closed behind him. Bracing his feet, Tavros raised his hands to his head and _focused_.

He frowned, amping up his powers as much as he could. And yet, he still couldn’t feel their minds. He could see the cloud of dust growing near, feel the ground shake under hundreds of hooves, hear the thunderous approach of the panicked herd. But he couldn’t feel their panic. It should be screaming in his thinkpan. Something was _wrong_ with this cattle.

“Oh, uh, hell,” he muttered under his breath, watching the dust getting closer. Now he was stuck between the approaching herd and an impenetrable wall of energy. He was fucked, as Dave would say. He felt a twinge in his bloodpusher and hoped that his last words to his deputy wouldn’t turn out to be a lie. He’d hate to lie to Dave. The man would hate him forever if he did that.

He braced himself in his most aggressive stance as the herd became visible in the dust cloud. Their eyes stared with disinterest, and there was metal studding their bodies in various places. Someone had _done_ this to them! Tavros felt a flash of rage as he lowered his head, horns at the ready. He stomped a foot and snorted, holding onto a vain hope that the bull leading the herd would act like a normal animal.

It wasn’t like he had much chance with anything else.

There was a crash of horns as the bull slammed into him, driving him backwards. The strain on his horns was painful, but nothing he couldn’t bear. He thought he might be able to hold this.

But he’d forgotten the barrier.

He hit it at speed, stuck between two thousand pounds of meat and an impenetrable barrier. He heard a sickening crack before everything turned to darkness.

 

Dave ran down the main street, wanting to be there to congratulate Tavros when he pulled off another amazing feat of animal control; he was the strongest animal psychic the town had ever known. And somehow that was incredibly hot. Maybe it was just Tavros’s modest dismissal of his abilities.

When he got to the barrier, he slowed in confusion. The stampede was still coming. Why hadn’t Tavros… He let the thought fade as the sheriff lowered his head, obviously planning on taking the herd head-on.

He saw the problem immediately. “Get the barrier down,” he shrieked, his stomach twisting. He’d rather lose the town than Tavros. The people were out of the way, behind another barrier.

But it was too late. Tavros slammed into the wall, right before his eyes, and he and the bull fell to the ground. The other cattle separated, streaming around the town. He ignored them, beating on the barrier with increasingly bloodied hands, unaware that he was screaming and tears were flowing from his eyes. He needed to get to Tavros.

“What the fuck ith wrong with you, Thtrider?” A hand grabbed his shoulder and tugged him back. Sollux regarded the barrier and paled. “Oh, fuck.” He reached out, burning a hole in the hellish thing.

Dave was through it in a second, dropping to his knees beside the worryingly still form of his boss. Friend. Beloved. Fuck terminology. His Tavros. He touched his neck with trembling fingers, letting out a sob as he felt a weak pulse. “He’s alive,” he gasped brokenly. “Go get the fucking doctor,” he screamed at Sollux, still standing there, staring with a kind of sick horror.

“You’re gonna be okay,” he whispered desperately, taking one of the troll’s hands. “You damn well better be. Fuck, Tavros, don’t leave me. God, please. I can’t…”

The rest was sobs.

 

He’d just started to talk to that fish fucker-- _his_ fish fucker--when the alarm rang through town and every citizen was herded to a safe zone in the south side of town. Like hell was he having that conversation in public, so he went back to his standard practice of ignoring Eridan.

Dirk fidgeted anxiously as he waited. He hated having no control over a situation. But what the fuck good was he against a stampede? He and his sword could maybe take out two of the cows before he was trampled.

He growled softly, stomping around the perimeter. He felt a hand on his arm and glanced down, his face expressionless.

Smiling up at him was Jade Harley. “Calm down Dirk,” she said softly. “Everything’s fine.

His lips twitched. “I’m fine, Harley. Don’t you have anyone else to worry about? Like that high strung asshole you actually seem to like for some reason?”

Jade laughed. “He’s fine. Somehow he dragged his typewriter out here and is dead to the world.”

“Seriously?” Dirk looked around, and yep. There was Karkat, hunched over a typewriter, absently making rude gestures at anyone who came too close. He flashed her a brief, crooked smile. “Huh. That’s actually kinda cute. Maybe you’re not crazy.”

She patted his arm again. “The point being, if Karkat can calm down, you really should give it a try.”

She had a point. He sighed and tried to still his movements.

Eventually, thankfully, the barrier came down, and the gathered townsfolk were free to go.

A hushed murmur started circling through the crowd. It finally reached his group, rumor flying like always after something like this.

But this… it was more personal. The sheriff had been hurt. His brother wasn’t as hard to read as he thought he was. And Dirk cared more than he’d ever let on.

Dave would be at Jane’s. He headed directly there, flashstepping when he could. It was a device he was testing that let him move faster than someone could see. It was highly unstable at the moment, but he had high hopes.

He found his brother where he expected, at Nitram’s bedside. Dave was sitting there, staring numbly at the lifeless looking sheriff as he lay unmoving. Only the faint rise and fall of his chest showed that he was alive at all.

Without a word, he pulled a chair up next to his brother’s and sat, arms resting on his knees. Just there, if Dave needed him. He had no idea how to comfort someone in any situation, much less… this. He had to admit, he was a pretty shit brother most of the time.

Dave didn’t acknowledge his presence for a long time. Hell, Dirk had no idea if Dave even knew he was there. But eventually a hand moved, seeking out his own and clinging to it. His brother’s face turned towards his, tear tracks clearly visible on his cheeks. “Hey,” he said roughly.

“You okay?” Dirk asked gently. He vowed silently to do anything he could to fix this.

Dave laughed, almost hysterically. “Me? I’m fine.” He looked back towards the bed. “Jane says… his back’s broken. He’ll probably never walk again. If he makes it.” His grip on Dirk’s hand tightened.

The older man nodded grimly. He’d see what he could do about that. It would be a challenge, but that’s what he thrived on. If he couldn’t make Tavros mobile by mechanical means, then he wasn’t a blacksmith worth his salt. “Let me worry about that,” he said gruffly. “You… just be here for him. And the town. You’re going to have to step up while he recovers.”

Dave’s lips tightened. “I’m not taking his job.”

“He’s not doing it at the moment,” he pointed out. “Someone has to. Who do you think he’d want to take over? You, or someone who doesn’t even know what they’re doing?” He flashed him what he hoped was an encouraging smile. “He trained you for this.”

The younger man didn’t look convinced, but Dirk knew that keeping Dave busy would be their best bet. He couldn’t have his little brother losing his grip now. “Jane’ll fix him up. You’ll see.”

Dave didn’t answer, he just turned his attention back to the troll in the bed. He’d never seen his brother look so dejected. Seriously. It was like someone had kicked a puppy. Which even he wasn’t cruel enough to enjoy.

He stood and put a hand on Dave’s shoulder for a moment before heading out of the room once more. There was something he wanted to check on.

Dirk made his way swiftly to the north end of town. He wanted to check out the scene of the crime, so to speak. Because there was one more thing Dave needed.

Revenge.

Because Dirk had a feeling this wasn’t a natural disaster. Tavros should have been able to protect himself at least, if not the town.

No one had gotten around to removing the corpse of the bull that Nitram had apparently faced down head on, which was good. It gave him somewhere to start.

He knelt next to the animal, expressionless. He ran a finger over one of the mechanical enhancements covering large patches of the thing’s flesh. Flesh that had been dead for more than the few hours since the stampede had ended. Huh.

One thing was for certain, this shit wasn’t natural. And he was going to find out who the fuck had done this and rip their face off for fucking up his brother.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the attack.

Nepeta froze, sniffing. She smelled sweat and human musk, and the hint of metal. She grinned and pounced, landing on the human as he appeared in front of her. “Hi, Dirk!”

He looked up at her stoically, on his back in the dirt. “How did you know I was here?”

She giggled, sitting on his chest. “You still smell like you, silly.” She bopped his nose gently with a claw.

Dirk shoved her off and sat up. “Yeah, whatever.” His lips tightened like he was regretting what he was going to say next. Oh, this was going to be interesting. Nepeta crouched back on her heels, watching him like the adorable squeakbeast he was.

In other words, hungrily. But for entertainment. She’d never _eat_ a human. Gross.

He shot her a look, then sighed. “I need your help,” he finally admitted.

The hunter tilted her head, flashing her fangs in a delighted grin. Oh, things _were_ getting good. Dirk was never going to live this down. “Oh, really?” she purred, her tongue flicking across her teeth.

He clenched his jaw for a moment. “Look, leave it. I’m tracking down the asshole who sent those goddamn cows. You in?”

Oh. _Oh._ A hunt! Dirk really was the best friend. She dropped all intentions of messing with him. At least for the moment. “Yes! Let’s go!” She jumped up and started darting around him in circles, bouncing in excitement.

He let out a soft huff of air, which in anyone else would have been an amused chuckle. Nepeta grinned at him. Getting Dirk to react in any way at all was almost a game around Canton. That was a point to Leijon.

He rose to his feet effortlessly and brushed himself off. “This way,” he said shortly, then headed towards the edge of town.

Nepeta scooped up her hunting gear--the little that wasn’t on her person at all times--and bounded after him, occasionally running past him and doubling back, but mostly following at a more-or-less sane pace.

When they got to where they were going, she crouched down and looked at the ground, then back at him incredulously. “You need my help to track _this_?” The tracks from the stampede were painfully obvious. Even to human eyes. She couldn’t believe that he couldn’t see it.

“No,” he said shortly. “I’ll need your help when we get there. You aren’t half bad in a fight. Unlike a lot of these idiots,” he added, glancing back towards the town.

“Aww, that’s sweet,” she said, grinning at him. “I might have to take you up on all this pale flirting,” she added, laughing at the expression of outright alarm threatening Dirk’s calm composure. “Oh my gog, you are too easy,” she crowed in delight.

“Not funny, Leijon,” he grumbled. “Are we going or not?”

She raised a hand, three long blades sliding out of her clawglove with a _shing_ that always made her grin. A device of Strider’s design, to her specifications. Neither of them had any question of her skill with them. “Let’s run!”

He drew his curved blade in a smooth motion, tapping it against her claws almost like a human ‘toast’ with their soporific drinks. 

And then, weapons resheathed and gear settled comfortably, they loped out of town, back along the swathe of devastation that the stampede had left in its wake.

 

The forge was cold and empty as it was during the night cycle for the first day since he’d been there. He sat in the shadow of whatever large piece of equipment it was dominating the west wall of the building, farthest from the door. Dirk had told him what it was called, but he refused to remember. Because why should he?

Eridan sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping long arms around his legs. He had a lot to think about.

He slid a claw around one of the flashy rings adorning each of his fingers, fidgeting as he thought. Dirk had come to his room in the night, waking him from his sopor-fog with a rough hand on his shoulder.

Which would have been almost forgivable if it had been the start of a hot and heavy pitch session, but no. He just had a fucking ultimatum.

“I’ve got shit to deal with,” he’d hissed at him, thumb pressing roughly against his fin. “So listen closely. I don’t have fucking time for your bullshit. If you pull anything, anything at all, you’re fucking out of here. You can find someone else to take your worthless ass in.” Dirk had been silent for a moment, and truthfully, he’d been too nervous to open his mouth.

“So, look,” the human had finally gone on. “Just… don’t get in my way until I’m done with this, and when it’s over… I’ll hatefuck your mind out, if that’s what you want.” And then he’d vanished, like he did. The fucking asshole.

And when he woke up, the man was gone, the forge silent. He didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing. He could just… leave. No one was watching him. But where would he go? The Empire was still closed to him, and… and if he stayed, he could have… Dirk. The best pitch match he’d met in his long life. It had been so long since he’d felt such a deep connection in any quadrant. And… and he couldn’t just ignore that.

So. He had no idea where Dirk was. Or how long he’d been gone. He didn’t know how to run the forge, or even find food in this place. Dirk had always just handed him his meals.

And it grated, the idea of _behaving_ because Dirk had ordered him to. But he had no choice. It was this, or lose the man altogether. And he could rub his behavior in Dirk’s face, because obviously he didn’t believe he could do it.

Yes. He’d show Dirk. He’d do better than he thought possible!

He stood and shook out his cape, striding purposefully into the street.

 

He hadn’t moved since they’d brought Tavros in here. He was starting to think the chair was absorbing his ass. Whatever. He didn’t care. Dave stared at the troll, lying so still in the bed. People came in and out, but Dave ignored them. He was pretty sure Dirk had been there at some point.

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. He’d let Tavros get hurt. He was a piss-poor excuse for a deputy. It should be him lying there. They needed Tavros. No one needed him, not like that.

He clutched the troll’s cold hand, mumbling under his breath, not even sure what he was saying, but letting the troll know he was there.

“Oh my gog. You never told him, did you?” Dave looked up blankly to see Karkat standing in the doorway, looking at him with frustrated disbelief. “Holy shit, what _is_ with you Striders? Are your heads just permanently affixed to your own wastechutes?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked. Not that he really cared.

“You’re horns over heels for Nitram,” Karkat said evenly. “Or whatever dumbass human part you have that goes over heels for attractive people.”

“Am not,” he said weakly. Oh, fuck it. It wasn’t worth fighting. And he’d have to take his hand out of Tavros’s.

“Right.” Karkat pulled a chair up next to his. “So, in this huge festival of denial, you’re going to neglect everything to sit with a guy you’re _not_ in love with.” The troll snorted softly. “Look, Strider, I’m not here to hassle you. I want to help.”

“Help what? He’s not going to wake up.” He clenched his teeth against the sobs he could feel building in his chest. A Strider didn’t cry. Especially in front of civilians like Vantas.

Karkat’s hand connected with the back of his head. “Hey!”

“Stop that, moron. He’s not dead. You think Crocker’s gonna fuck up that bad in the next five minutes? No? So, he’ll wake up. When he does, what are you going to say?”

“What?” He looked at him blankly.

Vantas gave a long suffering sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Okay, Strider, repeat after me. Tavros, I thought I’d lost you. I love you with all my heart. Will you be my matesprit?”

Dave’s cheeks turned red. “Fuck off. I’m not saying that.”

The troll sneered slightly. “Fine, I’ll put it in Striderspeak. Durr, Nitram, you’re pretty hot, wanna bang?”

“Go fuck yourself, Vantas.” He scowled. He was this close to punching him. Really. If he could do it without letting go of Tavros.

“You’re seriously going to let this opportunity get away from you? What if you don’t get another chance?” Karkat grabbed his shoulders gently. “Trust me, Strider, this is the time for the big, romantic gesture. If this was one of my books, oh my gog, it would be beautiful.” Vantas got a far-away look in his eyes, and Dave scowled.

“Hey, no. You’re not putting this in a book, jerkface. It’s my fucking life.”

“If you do it right, I won’t have to,” the troll said, looking smug.

“Are you… blackmailing me? Into fixing my love life?” He blinked behind his dark lenses. This was... fucked up. On so many levels.

“Ugh, no. Well, kind of. But if you waste this goddamn opportunity, I’m going to _have_ to write what should have happened. I can see the whole scene now.” He smiled dreamily. “It’s going to be beautiful.”

“Okay, shut up.” Dave could feel himself blushing. “How the fuck would you know?” he continued, scowling. “It’s not like I’m going to let you watch me talk to Tavros.”

“I’ll know,” he said shortly. “I can tell when people have been dumbasses about romance. It’s my special power.”

“What, really?”

“No, you gullible fucking moron. But you’re as fucking transparent as that windowpane,” he said, pointing. “The only reason Nitram doesn’t know is that he’s as thick as you are.”

Dave looked at him for a moment, then back at the troll on the bed. He was too tired to be angry anymore. “Whatever,” he muttered. “Just leave me alone, okay? I can’t take this shit.”

The troll was silent for a moment, then put his hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said, surprisingly softly. “He’ll get better. You have to believe that.” He looked up at Karkat to see him smile. “Love is a powerful medicine.”

Dave flashed a weak grin. “Lame.”

“Oh, shut up.” Karkat rolled his eyes and stepped away. “If you need anything… pretty much anyone here will help you. You know that, right? Tavros has helped most of us so many fucking times, and… shit, you’re not as big an asswipe as you seem, most of the time.”

He shrugged awkwardly. “Yeah, okay. Whatever. Shut up.”

“Yeah. Sure. I’ll send someone with some food later, okay? Make sure you eat, Strider.” And with that, the troll turned and strode out of the room.

Huh. That had been… interesting. Karkat wasn’t usually that nice. He glanced at the door, frowning. It made sense, though, if it was for Tavros. It was impossible to be a jerk to the sheriff. He looked down at him, sniffing against the tears he couldn’t quite stop. If only he’d wake up…

 

The small, peasant-looking shop shouldn’t have been as intimidating as it was. Eridan had been standing there on the street, looking at the building, for more than a minute. He crushed the edge of his cape in one fist anxiously. He had to do this right. If he fucked up, Dirk would throw him out of town and never, ever kiss him again. He drew in a shaky breath through gritted teeth. Damn the human for making him feel like this. He’d never been so unsure of himself in his life. And he wasn’t about to let an off-spectrum alien get to him.

Any more than he already had, that is.

Drawing himself to his full height, Eridan stepped into the store. He stopped inside the doorway, blinking in relief to get out of the sun. The interior was dimly lit, and cluttered with… junk, was the only word he could think for it. He was sure farmers or laborers would know what the various implements could be used for, but he had no idea. At least some of the things at the far end of the shop looked like food. He made his way towards the counter.

The human working there looked up as he approached, flashing her blunt, useless teeth. She was much smaller than him, with dark hair and large spectacles. She looked… harmless. It was hard to believe that she and Dirk were the same species, really. But then, he was, nominally, the same species as a rustblood. Ugh. That was a horrible thought. He pushed it away and forced himself to smile. Nicely, not his more practiced threatening smirk.

“Hi!” she said, before he could get a word in. “I haven’t seen you before! Are you new?” she held a hand out towards him. “I’m Jade. Jade Harley. What can I get for you?”

He took her hand gingerly, repressing his feelings of disgust. He was going to be a model citizen of this shithole until Dirk got back. That was the plan. “Ampora,” he said shortly. “Eridan Ampora.” He looked down at her for a moment, trying to decide how to play this. Perhaps he could make Dirk look bad while still ‘behaving’? Oh, this could be fun. He put on his most earnest, pathetic expression. “Dirk had to leave unexpectedly, and he didn’t show me where he kept the food in his hive. And he didn’t leave me any money or anything,” he added, eyes widening. Which, actually, that was true. The asshole hadn’t given a thought to how he’d live while he was gone. Fuck him, anyway.

“Oh, you poor dear.” Jade stepped out into the main shop and grabbed a basket, filling it with items he assumed were food. “Don’t worry about it at all. I’ll work it out with Dirk when he gets back. And have a _word_ with him,” she added, looking far more dangerous than he’d given her credit for. He quashed a gleeful grin at the thought of her taking Dirk on. “And if you want,” she went on, unaware of his wandering mind, “you can join me and my matesprit for dinner. Don’t worry,” she added, laughing, “he cooks much better than I do.”

“Oh.” He blinked. That was unexpected. No one was ever genuinely nice to him. What was her angle? Maybe she wanted to show Strider up, as well. He could work with that. “I… Thank you. Are you sure?”

“Of course!” She beamed up at him and handed him the basket. He looked down into it, frowning. It was some of that ‘bread’ stuff that Strider kept feeding him, along with a lot of dried meat. Nothing exciting, but he wouldn’t starve. And he was hungry enough that it looked pretty appetizing. “Now, that’ll hold you until dinner tonight, and I should be able to make you up a few meals in case Dirk doesn’t come back tonight.”

Eridan found himself quickly and efficiently shooed out of the shop and headed bemusedly back to the blacksmith’s. He was more than ready to eat his breakfast, and perhaps ruminate over the strange human girl and her unsettling kindness.

And, of course, plot how to use this all against Dirk when the time was right.

 

His eyes were open, but he didn’t feel like moving. He was so tired. He didn’t know why he was awake. He wished he could sleep for a week. But something was tugging at his mind. He sighed softly. He could take just five more minutes before worrying, couldn’t he? He’d earned that much of a break.

Before he could remember what he was supposed to worry _about_ , there was a movement beside him. “Tavros?” Dave looked tired, was the first thing he thought. As tired as he felt.

“Uh, who else would I be?” he said weakly, flashing a smile up at him. He wondered suddenly why Dave was beside his bed. But this wasn’t his block. Where… He looked around in confusion.

“Weak,” Dave said, gripping his hand tightly. “Seriously, that joke was as lame as… as a thing that’s really lame,” he finished, looking strangely upset. “Uh. Anyway, I’m gonna go get Jane, okay? You just rest. Don’t try to move.” He edged away from the bed as Tavros stared at him in confusion. There was something strange going on. He forgot all about that, though, as Dave suddenly darted forward and pressed his warm lips to his own before rushing out of the room, yelling for the doctor.

What.

Had that really.

Oh.

Tavros flashed a dopey grin at the door Dave had vanished through. Dave had kissed him! This had to be the best day ever.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta and Dirk track down their prey, while Eridan enjoys dinner with friends.

Tavros was numb. In the fact that he couldn’t feel his legs, but also in the case of emotions. He lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, as he tried to process what Jane had told him.

He was… broken. He could probably never be fixed.

It was too much to take in. He just… couldn’t. Couldn’t deal.

But there was a warm hand on his, burning through the fog clouding his mind. Dave was still there. Dave, who had stayed by his side, who had kissed him, who was there, ready to support him however he needed. A flushed glow suffused him. It couldn’t be _too_ bad, with Dave there. What was it the humans said? ‘Love conquers all.’ Trolls didn’t have a saying like that, but… he liked it.

And he liked feeling love a lot more than the numb blankness. Not feeling _anything_ was scary. He squeezed Dave’s hand, smiling up at him. Maybe he _could_ do this. With love. And stuff.

“It’ll be okay, Tav,” the human murmured, brushing his cheek with his free hand. “I got this.”

“I, uh, know, Dave,” he whispered. The feeling of his fingers on his skin left him breathless. “I believe in you.”

The smile Dave gave him at that was worth almost anything. He felt all warm and bubbly inside. The humans were right. Love could make anything bearable. He’d manage, somehow, because he had Dave.

 

They strode the desert together, a tall human and an average-sized troll, making them nearly the same height. He had, perhaps, an inch on her. If that. Though Dirk was secure enough in himself that he didn’t feel the need to be taller than a woman just to feel superior. It didn’t matter a bit.

He glanced over at his companion, who was happily pouncing on the few shadows from various rocks and other desert outcroppings. She was a lithe creature, stronger than she looked. She had feathers braided into her hair, from the time she’d spent with the local native tribe. The tail was kind of weird, some kind of mutation, maybe. He’d never seen another troll with one. But she had that whole cat thing going on, so maybe it was a caste thing. Honestly, he didn’t care much. As long as she was competent, she could do what she wanted. And she was that. He’d rarely met anyone who could keep up with him in a fight, and Nepeta… well, she could beat him two times out of three. It was, frankly, impressive.

Not that he’d ever tell her that. That was sharing, and Striders didn’t do that. Not unless the circumstances were dire.

They’d been walking for half the day already, and he had no doubt they’d have farther to travel. If anyone insane enough to attack them had been within their normal radius, one of their wandering types would have found them. Nepeta, or English, someone like them.

Suddenly Nepeta jumped at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He tensed, but she hadn’t used enough force to knock him down, which he was grateful for. And instantly informed him that this wasn’t an attack. Instead, he gave a long suffering sigh. “Yes?”

“So, why are you doing this, Strider? Volunteering is a strange look fur you,” she added with a giggle.

“None of your business,” he said briskly.

“So, nothing about how your hatchmate’s flushcrush got hurt?” She poked at his shoulder.

His lips tightened. He should have seen this coming. Nepeta was one of the biggest gossips in town. “The sheriff is an important figure and should be revenged. Feelings don’t come into it.”

Nepeta laughed loudly. “Meow, you keep telling yourself that.”

He snorted softly. Trolls and their goddamn puns.

“So, what about that highblood you’ve got in your hive? Anything happening there?”

He stopped walking, reached up and grabbed her arm, and pulled her off his back, flipping her onto the ground. He stared down at her, expression blank, and then started walking again without a word. As if nothing had happened.

She leapt to her feet with a disappointed mew and loped to catch up. Dirk stewed in his mortification. Did everyone know? He’d have to do some serious damage control. Planning occupied his mind and they continued in silence until the sky began to darken.

 

Karkat grumbled under his breath as he fixed dinner. He’d only just gotten permission to see his matesprit again, and she’d dropped a dinner guest in his lap--figuratively, thank gog--without warning. And he didn’t even know who was coming by. She’d just giggled and said it would be fun.

That woman was so lucky he loved her sometimes.

No, no, of course he was the lucky one. He sighed and slid the cluckbeast into the oven. It should be done not long after their guest arrived. He fidgeted around the kitchen, fixing tubers and the greens that Jade insisted he make with every meal, since she didn’t like meat much. Humans were so strange.

There was a knock at the door, and he could faintly hear Jade greeting someone. Someone who spoke in a weird, stuttering way he’d never heard before. Wiping off his hands, he made his way to the main room of Jade’s hive. “Dinner won’t be ready for twenty minutes,” he said grumpily. “You’re early.” Because Jade had asked him to play nice, he refrained from adding ‘fuckface’ to the end of his sentence.

The visitor turned, letting Karkat get a good look at him. His tallness hadn’t really sent warning signs; Karkat was shorter than most trolls. But the fins and the obvious violet eyes sent fight-or-flight signals screaming through him, and he bared his teeth in response.

Mere seconds before the other troll noticed his red eyes and did the same, but looking far more fierce.

“No!” Jade yelled, reaching up and smacking the seadweller on the shoulder like she did her gigantic barkbeast pet.

He looked down at her, affronted, but his hackles were lowering.

Karkat reluctantly forced himself to relax. But he would have _words_ with his matesprit later about highbloods in his safe areas.

“Hush,” Jade was saying firmly, gesturing both of them to come closer. “Eridan, this is my matesprit, Karkat. Karkat, this is Eridan, he’s been staying with Dirk.”

Oh. Oh, right. Dirk’s kismesis. Karkat’s eyes widened slightly. The human was brave, taking this asshole on. And this asshole was one lucky bastard. He flushed slightly.

They stood, glaring at each other suspiciously for a moment, then Karkat forced himself to offer his hand in the human style. “Welcome,” he said, trying not to growl defensively.

The highblood sneered, not moving to take his hand at all. “Thank you,” he said, obviously forcing himself to be gracious.

Douchebag. He could see why Strider hated this fuckhole.

Jade, however, was grinning as if this was a success. “There! Now we’re all friends!”

Both trolls looked at her incredulously, and Karkat snorted. This was going to be a long night.

 

It was unthinkable. His undead cattlematrons had been thwarted. That tiny human village shouldn’t have had defenses like that. He scowled and continued pacing his workroom, as he had been, off and on, since the lead bull had ceased its radio transmissions. The rest had been signalled to return, but without the bull leading them, they seemed to have gotten lost. He cursed himself for putting most of the intelligence in that one animal.

He stopped and snarled at himself in the one mirror he kept, to remind himself of who he was. He hated what he saw, a big hulking brute with a broken horn, worlds away from the elegant nobleman he’d been born to become. His body, as everything else, had failed him.

That had been proven so many sweeps ago, when he was just out of wigglerhood and allowed to join Her Imperious Condescension’s court. As yet unable to control his great strength, he’d tripped and fallen, unthinkingly grabbing at a statue of the Condesce to save himself from falling. The thing had shattered in his grasp, and he’d been forced to flee her rage or risk losing his life.

He’d heard rumors, of course, of the human run sanctuary for trolls forced out of the glorious empire, but such a place was well beneath one of his blood. And so, he’d carved his own place here in the desert, building his large fortress over many sweeps.

His steps slowed and he frowned. Something wasn’t right. Oh, heck. One of his security automata had stopped broadcasting a signal. That certainly wasn’t a good sign.

He took a few steps towards the door, which burst open to his great surprise. His guardian machine had just been destroyed. Nothing should have been able to get there that quickly. He had no time to think of such things, though, as the person kicking his door open launched herself at him and, astoundingly, hit him with enough force to knock him down.

He hit the ground with a surprised _oof_ , snarling up at her. She snarled back, not cowed at all, and their eyes met. Something passed between blue and olive, something warm and soothing. He started to relax even before her gloved hand touched his cheek. “Shoosh,” she murmured, papping him gently.

Sobs bubbled up from his broad chest. No one had ever been kind to him in his life.

 

Dirk fought the well-constructed automaton, making notes in his head as he observed the thing move, things he might try with later projects. Whoever their foe was, he was _good_. He’d been meaning to draw out the fight, maximize his potential for distraction, but he’d found himself working at the top of his skills just to keep it from running him through. He was _impressed_ , a unique impression for him. He finally caught the thing in a feint and detached its control center.

He sheathed his blade and made his way into the fortress. Nepeta should have had more than enough time to slip past the machines and find another way in.

He found himself in what seemed to be a stable, but all the beasts inside were plate iron and rivets. They were… beautiful. Automata like he’d never seen, and if they’d been flesh, examples of equine perfection. When this was done, he was certainly examining one of them. Perhaps even taking one back to dissect. 

But for now, there was work to be done, a colleague to find, and a villain to show no mercy.

He slipped unseen through corridors, moving steadily upwards through the fortress.

He stopped outside a door, hanging with most of its hinges torn off. That must be the spot. Nepeta had no sense of style, really. He drew his sword as he strode into the chamber, taking in the scene at a glance. Nepeta seemed to have their villain at her mercy.

“Nepeta. Step away. This one is mine.” He was going to make him pay for what he’d done.

He did _not_ expect her to whirl and snarl at him. His face actually became a mask of shock for a few seconds before he got his mask back in place.

“If you touch him, I’ll kill you,” she hissed, claws coming out. “He is a poor, broken kitten, and he is _mine._ ”

Oh, god damn it. There was stupid troll shit going on. He glowered at her. “I hope you can make the rest of them understand that. And the moment he slips up, I’m taking his head,” he said coldly.

The other troll sat up slowly, shaking his head as if in a daze. “I do not answer to you,” he said, in a deep, prideful voice.

Dirk was barely paying attention. The guy was _huge_. And made of solid muscle. He’d never seen anyone, human or troll, like that. He wanted to climb that like a tree. Oh, fuck. He pushed that thought away. He already had one weird-ass troll thing going on, he didn’t need to add another. Especially not with the man who’d almost killed his almost-brother-in-law.

Nepeta reached back and patted his face, and he instantly relaxed. Then tensed again, glancing up at Dirk. “Your human is watching,” he hissed.

Nepeta laughed. “Hush, silly. Dirk’s not my human. He’s just a friend. And if you weren’t such a mess, I wouldn’t have to calm you in public. So shoooosh.”

Dirk watched them expressionlessly, then let out a nearly inaudible sigh. He pointed his sword at Nepeta. “He’s your responsibility. Keep him in line or I swear to god I’ll kill you both.” With that, he sheathed his weapon and stalked out of the room once more.

 

Nepeta huffed slightly as Dirk vanished, then turned her attention to her new kitten. Her meowrail, if things went smoothly. She leaned forward to nuzzle at his cheek. “Shoosh, my purrfect darling,” she whispered. “I’m Nepeta,” she continued softly.

“Equius,” he said, his voice rough. “I… I’m Equius.”

“Well, Equius,” she said with a grin, “we’ve got a lot of work to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An alternate way this could have gone, thanks to Davekatastrophe:


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius is tried for his crimes. Dirk takes out his frustrations on Eridan. Eridan doesn't mind at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter out. There was Polyswap, then two computer problems. I actually finished this on my phone because my laptop is dead. All I can say is I hope it was worth the wait. Enjoy.

She was hauled out of bed at an indecent hour of the morning. She grabbed at the shirt of the one doing the waking, pulling him close and licking his face. He tasted like smoke and sweat, and smelled like oranges. The older Strider.

He pulled back, cursing, and Terezi cackled. That’s what he got for waking her up. She finished getting out of bed, standing unabashedly naked before him. “What is it?”

Dirk was almost seething with rage, she could smell it, but his voice was measured when he spoke. “We need your legal expertise. I’ll meet you at the courthouse in ten minutes. For the love of everything unholy, put some goddamn clothes on.” And then he was gone.

She stuck her tongue out at where he’d been and snatched blindly for her goggles, getting them on her head, sighing as the thick glass pressed against her useless eyes. She had no idea what made them work, but they projected a bright enough light into her eyes that she could discern rough shapes. The rest was fleshed out by her sense of smell and excellent hearing.

So, it was legal work, was it? She grabbed one of her formal robes and tugged it on. Such a boring black. Luckily she kept a collection of brightly colored scarves for just this reason. She took a deep sniff and chose the orange and green one. Because the orange smelled like Dirk. She cackled to herself as she wrapped it around her neck.

She strode out into the street confidently; whatever she couldn't sense could damn well move out of her way. She found Dirk outside her courthouse, along with Nepeta and what seemed to be a mountain that smelled like blueberries. She approved. She stepped closer to the new troll, sniffing. Blueberries and sweat. Ew.

He bristled and stepped back, but Nepeta reached up to pet his arm, cooing soothingly. Oh ho. Now that was interesting. “What do we have here?”

She could hear Dirk’s teeth grinding from here. The man was _angry._ Something was definitely up. “Inside,” he said shortly. “We’re not doing this in the damn street.”

Terezi laughed wildly. “Why not, Strider? People would pay to see that.” Before he could answer, she unlocked the courthouse door and slipped inside.

 

Equius allowed Nepeta to guide him into the building, grateful to get out of the rising dawn light. He didn’t understand why he was here. In a proper world, Nepeta would have recognized the greater dignity of his blood and joined him in his exile. When he’d broached the idea, though, she’d laughed and called him ‘a big sillyhead.’

Which had left him traveling for hours with his new moirail and the Dirk human. Nepeta was an enjoyable companion, but the human creature… well. He was quite obviously angry. In a very platonic sense, of course. It was hard to blame him wholly. Nepeta had explained some nonsensical human relationships between the man and the one who’d been injured in his attack. He was slightly affronted that all his work had only resulted in one injured troll, in all honesty.

He thought that very quietly, even in his own mind. He had a feeling that Nepeta would look at him in that disappointed manner if she was ever made aware of those thoughts. And that was a punishment more severe than any this Dirk creature could think up.

And now he was forced to stand here as some troll without blood markings and with covered eyes passed judgement on him. His lips tightened. The only guess he had was that she was a jade, since her scarf contained that color. Along with orange, which wasn’t even a proper blood color. It could just be a decorative accessory, though. He had no idea how these trolls did things here. He was fairly sure that she had no rightful authority over him, though. Not by blood. He stared at her coldly as she started talking, asking Nepeta and the Dirk human questions that he mostly ignored. He wasn’t sure why they were going through this charade. The idea of a defense in court was utterly alien to him, and it never occurred to him that Nepeta was trying to build one for him.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself, Mr. Blueberry?” she asked, and he finally realized she was addressing him.

His jaw tightened at the informal and breezy way she spoke to him, a nobleman of high degree. That name was an insult. But Nepeta wouldn’t appreciate him getting into a fight. “No, Your Tyranny,” he said coolly.

The troll let out a sharp laugh. “We don’t serve tyranny in this court,” she said. “Only Justice.” She grinned at him for a long moment. The expression was… disconcerting. He found himself taking a step backwards without conscious thought.

The troll was silent for a long moment. “The cases for and against you were both well crafted, and neither deny that you are guilty of the crimes brought against you.” She raised a hand. “So all that remains is the sentencing. Our dear Mr. Strider wants the harshest punishments I can muster, while Miss Leijon urges leniency.” Her fangs flashed again. “You have injured a citizen of our fair town quite grievously. You attacked our people with malicious intent. But under the laws of the Empire, you would have been within your right.” She raised a hand to stop the human's violent protest. “We do not follow those laws here. And so, if you wish to remain in our town, you will make amends through a long period of community service, as well as an extended period of orientation, overseen by your moirail. Her steadying influence is the only reason I am considering you a candidate for citizenship, you understand,” she continued sternly.

“What?” Dirk yelped, obviously seething. “Community service? Citizenship? He nearly killed Tavros!”

“And he will be under Miss Leijon’s supervision at all times until he learns why that was wrong,” the judge said firmly.

At Nepeta’s urging, he dropped to one knee and bowed his head. “I will… attempt this,” he said softly. He would do what was necessary to stay at her side. If this didn’t work, though, he would take her back to his fortress. Against her will, if need be. But he would try her way.

The human grimaced at the judge. “This isn’t over, Pyrope,” he said, and vanished from the room, leaving Equius gaping. How had he done that?

 

The door to the forge slammed open downstairs, loudly enough to make Eridan jump. It had been blissfully quiet down there the entire time Strider had been gone.

Actually, hadn’t he locked the place up? He set his book down and slowly got to his feet, grabbing a fireplace poker before heading to the top of the stairs. It was probably only Strider, but if it was, he deserved a good smack for startling him.

He’d only gone down one step when the human rounded the corner and started bounding up the steps. The poker fell from his suddenly weak fingers. Strider looked _furious._ He’d never seen him show so much anger. Frankly, it made him ache with need. He let out a soft gasp as the man stopped, looking at the poker, then him, with a raised eyebrow. “Planning on bashing my brains out?”

“I’d have to find them first,” he sneered weakly, his breathing harsh. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been this aroused in his life. He could already feel his too-tight trousers soaking up dampness from his aching nook.

Dirk snorted softly. “That the best you can come up with?” He took the last few stairs and stood, smirking up at him, the height difference extended further by his position a step above the human. Who didn’t seem phased at all by his looming posture, damn him. Eridan could feel the heat of his body through the few slight inches of air between them, and his already labored breathing picked up speed. He tried in vain to come up with a proper response, something scathing and witty, but his mind refused to cooperate. He snarled in frustration and grabbed Dirk’s shirt, slamming his lips against the shorter man’s. At least that would stop _him_ from talking, too.

His lips were burning hot, and so soft. It was so strange that a member of a species so soft could be so _hard_. But Dirk pushed back against him, not caring that his fangs were cutting into his flesh as their tongues battled for supremacy between their mouths.

He allowed himself to be distracted by the kiss, the hard, wonderful, _pitch as all hell_ kiss. Which, of course, turned out to be a mistake, as did every time he underestimated the infuriating human. A foot hooked around his ankle and yanked, sweeping his legs out from under him. He landed on his back at the top of the stairs, with Strider above him. Eridan growled in rage. Dirk snarled back, and then they were kissing again, hungrily, violently, as if it was the only thing in the world that mattered.

Ignoring the buttons, he reached up and dragged his claws down the front of Dirk’s shirt, shredding it until it hung open, letting him see the bare, pale flesh of his chest. He lurched upwards to drag his tongue along the angry red marks his claws had left. Damn, he'd barely touched him. Humans were disgustingly delicate. Another thing he could hate Dirk for. The need to hold himself back.

Dirk hissed, presumably at the sting of his touch. He felt a rush of pleasure at the knowledge that he'd affected him. His bulge was aching in the tight confines of his trousers.

The human's lips hit his again with almost bruising force. Hands found the buttons of Eridan's trousers and ripped them open. He almost whimpered, the relief was so great. His bulge snaked out to curl around that hot hand. Fuck, it felt good. He'd never been with someone so far down on the spectrum. The heat was intoxicating.

“Holy shit,” Dirk gasped, fingers tangling with his equipment.

Eridan groaned and tried to flip him, but even weaker as he was, Dirk had better leverage. He snarled in frustration.

Dirk laughed. “Nice try, asshole. You're fucking mine.” The human squeezed his bulge almost painfully tightly.

How the fuck was this human so good at pitch? He was almost ready to explode and the other still had his trousers on. It wasn't fucking fair. “Please,” he gasped despite himself.

The smug look that passed over Dirk's face made him snarl. But then his hand was moving on his bulge and he could feel fabric shift against his legs as Dirk's trousers were pushed down. He keened, legs spreading in a display of shameful desperation.

Dirk chuckled softly. “You want this?” Something hot pressed against his nook, making him gasp. Then Dirk stilled.

Eridan whimpered, trying to wriggle closer. He wasn't going to beg. Not again.

“Hmm, no. I don't think you want it enough.” Dirk started to pull away.

“Fuck you,” he gasped out. He'd never hated anyone like this. The smug, arrogant asshole. How dare he treat him like this?

“Oh, no,” the human murmured, voice dripping self-satisfaction. “I'm going to fuck you.” And then that warmth was inside him, pushing like nothing he'd ever felt. He keened in shock, tipping his head back and digging his claws in convulsively. His bulge lashed against his stomach as the man pulled back and shoved that thing in again, even more forcefully. Holy fuck. Human sex was almost made for blackrom. He didn't know how they could make this tender. It felt like Dirk was tearing him open from the inside, and he hated how much he loved it.

He also hated that smug grin on the man's face. If he could have, he'd have slapped it off of him. But that would mean getting his claws out of his shoulders, and he wasn't strong enough to ride this out without that steadying grip. He did take a small amount of satisfaction from the fact that he was drawing that filthy scarlet blood from the spot. He would have to clean the disgusting stuff off his claws after this.

Dirk thrust into him, again and again, battering his nook mercilessly with blissful force. He was whining through his nose, unable to deal with the sensations slamming through his body. He dug his claws in tighter, drawing a hiss out of his kismesis. He was almost too overwhelmed to smirk at him. Almost. “What?” he gasped. “Can't handle a little pain?”

“Oh, I can take it,” he snarled. “This is barely a mosquito bite.”

Eridan laughed. Oh, Dirk was fun. A perfect kismesis. “Then show me how you’d do it,” he purred.

Dirk gave a fierce thrust of his hips, dragging a surprised whimper out of Eridan. And then his head dipped down, useless blunt teeth scraping at his throat. The effort and intent made up for the lack of effectiveness. He groaned, pressing into his teeth. Dirk was moving faster, pummeling him again and again, pushing him deep into pitch ecstasy.

He hadn't been expecting it so fast, and was far too overwhelmed to ask Dirk for a bucket. He just cried out, shuddering, as his fluids gushed out in a cold rush down their legs.

The human let out a soft sound and thrust once more, releasing hot liquid into his body. He gasped, holding him tighter.

“Holy shit,” Dirk muttered. “What a fucking mess.”

Eridan released him with a sneer. “Like you didn't bleed all over me.” He glared down at his stained claws.

The man snorted. “You're cleaning the floor.” He stood and headed towards the bathing chamber.

Eridan made a rude gesture at his back. “Make me.” He wasn't sure Dirk had heard him, but he'd get the message when his hallway remained that perfect violet.


End file.
